Confessions and Regressions
by Alithea
Summary: Shoujo-ai content. Shiori speaks about her past with Juri and why she feels the way she does about the fencer.


**Title: Confessions and Regressions**

**Rating: G**

**Revolutionary Girl Utena and its characters do not belong to me. I'm just borrowing.**

**Pairing: Well I don't know if there is an actual pairing, but I'm curious to know who you think Shiori is speaking to.**

She has always been the type of person who could do whatever she wanted. Once Juri decides she is going to something, she does it and she becomes the best at it.

I remember for while I never really believed it. Like the time in junior high when she boldly explained how she would join the fencing team and become the co-captain within a year. I watched her hazel eyes go dark as she said it, the way her jaw would set in place and for the first time I realized what that look was. It was determination. It was blazing hope and belief that every word she had just said would come true.

And it did…

And I… I hated her for that. I truly did, because it made her too perfect, and too easy a target for those unworthy to become her friends. Those girls and boys who coo endlessly over the talent they themselves would never have. However, I must admit… I think I truly hated the fact that I became one of them. One of those annoying fan girls whom only wants so desperately to be recognized.

I thought she was perfect. I truly did. And I wanted that perfection, wanted to be near and hold it close…and then the closer I was the more I wanted to rip it away.

Jealousy is a sour state of dress and it looks ghastly on anyone who wears it…especially me.

The thing is though… the important fact of the matter and what must never be forgotten is that Juri is not perfect. She may look like a goddess tall and lean, with hazel eyes that can be full of icy disregard. She may seem like perfection as her foil rips through the air and she defeats with ease all of her opponents, but I learned something…In my disgrace, my return to this school, that humiliating stupidity with Ruka.

Oh my dear boy, I'll never forget him. He ripped the wings right off my shoulders and reminded me what I had let myself become. And I hate that dour and desperate angel of androgyny just as much as I thought I loved him, for the lesson he made me swallow. A lesson so deep it still makes me feel hollow… Because what he taught me was that my jealousy and hatred made me vile and no more than a wormy insect to be crushed beneath her boots. He taught me that I was not worthy of her and he was right…but I'll tell you something. I'll be honest and let you know right now without an ounce of jealousy or bitterness…

Juri isn't good enough for me either.

Let me explain it before you decry it. Let me attempt to persuade you of your hero's failings, for that is all I want to do. Tell you some truths… and then you can decide for yourself how wonderful and powerful the great panther Juri Arisugawa really is.

It is true that Juri can do anything she wants, once she has decided she can do it and will do it. It is true that once she has something set in her mind she can become exceptionally talented at whatever undertaking she likes. But…the opposite is also true, and even truer than being able to do anything she wants is a plain a simple little fact that is nearly mind-boggling.

The fact of the matter is, that once Juri decides she can not do something, or have something she becomes completely incapable of even trying. And I don't want you to think I have an enormous ego, because I know you don't. I know that you mostly dislike me for all I've "done" to "poor Juri". But honestly I'm the greatest example of her failings, of her weakness.

I told her once and I told her often that if she believed her wish would come true. I told her that because back then in junior high school I thought I knew her. I thought I knew exactly how to read her, even when she was trying to hide something (which she did in abundance even back then, hiding her feelings and thoughts to avoid any hurt). But I only knew the half of it back then.

I knew that if she believed in something, if she set her mind to it she would get what she wanted. I knew that much, I'd seen her in action.

Heard her say"I'll never let him beat me Shiori. He'll always be second to me." And then she would grin just slightly, barely a twitch that only someone as close to her as I was could ever notice.

I saw in that smile that she was in love, and that she wanted to impress. I saw it and because I am no mind reader, and because I was not thinking of her in any fashion other than my dear best friend whom I hated desperately with all my jealousy because she had everything she wanted… And I had to slave to get even the tinniest bit of what I craved and felt I deserved.

Belief is the thing I've found. Hope is the key to any success. No matter how I've failed if I keep my belief I can keep going and honestly it's made me better able to reach my goals. However else could I have managed to stay on the fencing team for this long?

But now we are in the thick of it… and I had misread. She didn't want him; it was never him… in that locket. Golden trinket, I wanted to snatch that thing away from her and toss it into the ocean. I wanted to stab out the picture inside and laugh and the insignificant bug that she wanted and I knew she would have because once Juri wanted something…she got it.

I wanted to do all that, and worse I wanted to take it from her. And I made that my belief and my desire, to take and keep from her the one thing she loved. By that time all I could feel was her great shadow over me. All I could see was the attention being thrown upon her. I set myself to my task. I believed and my gods if I did not achieve my goal in leaps and bounds far beyond imagining.

Imagine the shock when I found out just how well I had achieved my goal at hurting her. And she looked so beautifully hurt when I started to date him, silly me for not being just a bit more observant.

But that's where I found out about her true weakness. When she told me she never loved him, she never felt anything for him that's when I began to piece the puzzle together and I learned.

For all I told her to believe and have hope she never really did believe that she could have the one person she loved so dearly. She told herself that it was impossible and so it became impossible. She told herself she would get hurt, that I would be angry, and that she could not let me know.

Funny how she made it all come true for herself.

Oh now honestly if it wasn't me there, if it were some other girl perhaps things would have been just slightly different. But over all and deep down she still would have made the same choice and ended up just as sadly pathetic as she was when I arrived back at school.

I was upset when I found out. I really was and angry with her. Hated her even more because it dawned on me that she was trying to protect me. She was always trying to keep me safe, and I never wanted her protection.

Hindsight is twenty-twenty and looking back through my haze of anger, jealousy and complete hatred I see the beginning of our friendship. And there at the beginning all I ever wanted was her love. Not a romance though, but that pure untouched and untarnished love that comes from having a best friend. I want to believe that was all she wanted of me as well in those long forgotten days.

I will not lie to you and say that things may have been different if she would have just moved past her fear and want to protect me from her feelings. Things may have been much worse, things may have been grand and lovely but those maybes can never be truly taken into account because they never happened.

In the end I don't think anyone will ever see it my way. How could they? How could they when they don't know what it's like to be kept and in the shadow? Protected and safe from harm?

No I never wanted that… I wanted the opportunity to at least try. To at least hope I could come close to being an equal in her eyes. But Juri wouldn't let me. She would chase away the bullies before I could try and stop them myself. She would shine in light more brilliants than could be seen through.

Am I wrong? Honestly tell me the truth, was I wrong to try and hurt her?

Of course you'd say yes.

Yes, Shiori you were wrong. You're wrong about everything, because you never saw how wonderful you had it. And nothing, no nothing can redeem you. You're doomed to be the villain in Juri's precious fairy tale. The poison that blinded someone who could have been a prince.

Could have…should have…would have been…

But remember what I told you… She never wanted to be a prince and so she remains ever the panther, the stoic and beautiful Juri Arisugawa everyone knew her as before.

Although…

She's changed lately. I almost recognize the difference, but I'm not totally sure of it. Something light and steady in her step and…her smile?

Yes, that is a smile she wears most often these days, and not the angelic mask of indifference. She looks better with that smile. Even lovelier than when she cries and if you've never seen it…Well I won't suggest you make the attempt. Just take my word and know she looks so pretty when she's sad, and believe me when I say her smile makes her…It makes her…

Perfect…

Don't look at me that way. It's not funny. Everyone has a veil of perfection about them. Everyone shines in a light greater than they will ever know in the eyes of those that love them. And sometimes the light is so blinding it makes me want to put it out. And sometimes it makes me just want drown in the brilliance of it.

Listen to me I'm not worthy of her love. I'm just barely good enough to call her a teammate. All I want…all I hope for it to be her friend. I miss having her as a friend. And it'll be easier now because I know when she starts to try and protect me too much I can stand up and tell her to stop.

Oh? Why am I telling you this?

Would you believe that I just wanted to warn you? I just wanted to inform you, because I know you want her. I know you think you love her and would do anything to get her. But you need to know this because even as she smiles I know she wants to run from the mere suggestion of falling.

She's free of her chain. She's free of her hopelessness for me, but she isn't free from her fear of love. Her true feelings run deep and long, like a river into a hollow tree of glass.

I think I'm telling you to give my blessing, even though you don't want it or need it. I'm telling you to believe that you can have what you want… and as you work harder you will find that you will get it.

I have to go. There's a practice today and I'm determined to at least give the captain of the fencing team a little work out. And you know… I think this time… I'll beat her.

End…


End file.
